Why does Texas have to play Nebraska?

Yeah, I know, in the Big 12 the winner of the South Division has to play the winner of whichever stumble bum happens to end up on top of the North to decide the champ. This year the head mutt up north is Nebraska, which lost to Iowa State at home in Lincoln, which is a city — a rarity in Nebraska.

That Iowa State deal ought to be enough to call off the Texas game. Nobody loses to Iowa State. William & Mary, if Mary were in a bad mood, could whip Iowa State.

But not Nebraska. The 9-3 Cornhuskers lost to Iowa State 9-7 and had eight turnovers.

That's enough turnovers to open a bakery. Shouldn't that kind of performance against Iowa State disqualify anybody from a title game?

Maybe Nebraska gets extra points because of their unusual mascot. They have the only mascot named after a farm chore involving a vegetable. I like their on-the-field mascot, though. They have this person wearing an inflatable suit. It's a farm boy in overalls. The person in the suit can turn around inside it and stand on his head, turning the farm boy upside down. I know. I've seen it done. In Nebraska, this is considered the arts. I suspect you'd have to drive some distance in Nebraska to find a wind ensemble.

Still, I don't think undefeated Texas should have to bother with the smash-mouth Cornhuskers.

Yes, it's an old joke — that the N on the Nebraska helmets stands for knowledge. But it's worth repeating for tradition's sake. I find it annoying that Texas fans have to go all the way to Arlington to Jerry Jones' new stadium and spend time next to a bunch of Nebraska fans. Nebraska fans are pretty darn dull.

For football fans they're too nice and polite. You'd think they were watching tennis. When they leave the stadium after a loss, they simply file out and go home. Half the fun with college football is making the other fans miserable. You can't do it to Nebraska fans. They just suck it up and leave.

I know. I was at the 1996 Big 12 Championship game in St. Louis when Texas upset Nebraska, a 19-point favorite.

The Nebraska fans just walked quietly to their cars like they were coming out of knitting class.

I suspect one reason Nebraskans are so boring is that the state isn't exactly a tourist mecca. If you find yourself vacationing in Nebraska, seek professional help. It's the gateway to a lot of places you wish didn't have gates — like Iowa.

So can we just call this game off?